My fight to Livestronger

Grief and healing

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 10:06:04 GMT

Yesterday was my birthday and of course I was missing Mike. My friend, Barb, gave me a book (Streams in the Desert) with daily readings.

Here is an excerpt from today's reading:

"Weeping inconsolably beside a grave will never bring back the treasure of a lost loved one, nor can any blessing come from such great sadness. Sorrow causes deep scars, and indelibly writes its story on the suffering heart. We never completely recover from our greatest griefs and are never exactly the same after having passed through them. yet sorrow that is endured in the right spirit impacts our growth favorably and brings us a greater sense of compassion for others. Indeed, those who have no scars of sorrow or suffering upon them are poor. The joy set before us should shine on our griefs just as the sun shines through the clouds, making them radiant. God has ordained our truest and richest comfort to be found by pressing on toward the goal. Sitting down and brooding over our sorrow deepens the darkness surrounding us, allowing it to creep into our heart. And soon our strength has changed to weakness. But if we will turn from the gloom and remain faithful to the calling of God, the light will shine again and we will grow stronger."

Debbie

Just thinking

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 16:04:19 GMT

Today is a special day! It's Debbie, Mike's moms birthday! and tomorrow it will be my 29th! WOW, the years have flown by! I was just thinking how through these past few years I have learned so much. I have learned the importance of family, even if they are not your blood! The importance of talking about your feelings, even though I seem to most likely sound like I'm complaining I'm really not. I have a hard time talking sometimes, even if you know me to the point I talk all the time. Sometimes as a defense technique, I talk about something else I make sound so important when in its intitetiy its not. (please excuse my spelling!)

I love my family! I love Mike's family, ehich is so close to being mine! I love my friends who have stood by me over these past 3+ years to let me know its okay to move forward! It's okay to explore life, even though I seem to dwell on school and the worries of Tyler. Ty is perfectly healthy he just has his times, like any 6 yr old. I worry just as much for his little brother! Now I worry about Andy. I just want everyone to live and be happy. I wish I was done with school so I could spend more time with my family, one day soon enough I'll be there! I will be graduating with an Associates of Arts in Social Science this May! Next May I will be graduating with my RN and the May following I will be graduating with my BSN hopefully! Maybe 'll continue to go part time to get my Masters! That's a dream adn what is life without hopes and dreams?!?!?!?!?!

I am so proud of Tyler! He's so smart! He ask me questions about things a typical 6 yr old never thinks of! This morning at breakfast he was telling me how much he loved his grandpa Great, Tom's dad who pasted away almost a year ago this Sep. Emil was a great man! He loved his family! He had a heart of GOLD!!! He was dealing with Colon Cancer. He was Dx right after Mike was Dx with his Cancer. GOD bless Tom and his sister and brother for losing him! He was a bright smile and a tender conversation!

I was just thinking and wanted to write a catch up!
Have a blessed day!
Ann Hauenstein!!!!!!

Christmas, Holidays, Grief

Sun, 03 Jan 2010 20:46:19 GMT

Even though it has been 4 Christmas, we still miss Mike and each holiday brings the pain back. Can you imagine going to the cemetery to decorate your son's grave? We still like to hear from our friends on these days - it cheers us to know that you are thinking of us and Mike.

The letter below was given to me by another mother in my support group who lost her son. I want to share it with all of you so that maybe you can understand that the grief is still there, it doesn't go away, it may seem gentler.

Dear Friend,

Please be patient with me; I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time.

Please don't take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder.

Don't be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care.

Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give.

Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Feel free to share your own stories of Mike with me. I need to hear them.

Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired clichés. I can't handle another person telling me that time heals all wounds.

Please don't try to find the "right" words to say to me. There's nothing you can say to take away the hurt. What I need are hugs, not words.

Please don't push me to do things I'm not ready to do, or feel hurt if I seem withdrawn. This is a necessary part of my recovery.

Please don't stop calling me. You might think you're respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like abandonment. Please don't expect me to be the same as I was before. I've been through a traumatic experience and I'm a different person.

Please accept me for who I am today. Pray with me and for me. Should I falter in my own faith, let me lean on yours. In return for your loving support I promise that, after I've worked through my grief, I will be a more loving, caring, sensitive, and compassionate friend-because I have learned from the best.

Love,
Debbie

????????

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 16:27:02 GMT

When you're trying to think,
When you're trying to move forward;
Sometimes the contents go further and you're abiliy to conceptulize what you are doing gets hazy and dreer,

What do I do?
What can I say?
What must I do to make all this nonsense trickle away?

How do I get past these next few years, without a sense of accomplishment ever near?
What do I sy to those who know I can? What about those who say I should think about my kids?

It's not that I don't, It's more about how I do...
It's more about the differeance I know I can get through this with a high five or "I told you you could get through this too..."

When does it get easy?
When will it slow down?

I try so hard to get things done, but it never seems to be enough in the "now".
All I want is a little more help, not from those who give it, but from the ones who should.

Time does fly by so fast, I still can remember those last minutes, just like they were today. I remember June 6 2000, I remember October 31 2009! These are such special days to me! And I suppose I will only alway know why,
But with so much going on with school, why do so many people have to ask me why?

Things happen for a reason, things come and they go,

People change how they view whats important, how we dress, and certainly how we grow!!!
People are all so different, People are never the same! People need to understand, "you" are you" and I know that will never change!

Writting this is making me feel better! It makes me see my life! How I interupt this is how I take my flight! I move onto the futire! I see brighter things to come! One day, I'll get out of here! and see what my carrer and family will have to come!

I see a better job! With a way to pay the bills! Not that they aren't getting paid, All I mean is that it'll be easier and less things to deal. This is just the stress that comes with motherhood! It's part of being in a relationship, and planning for what's to come.

I honeslty wouldn't change my life, just wish it was simplier! But how would that make me who I am! I'm a challange! and so paticular! I want nothing but the best! and I'll make sure my family has everything! I want to graduate! so what maybe I'll be in my 30's! Life has taken me up roads I'm glad I traveled! I would do it all again!

I have learned what love can do! and how it can help you grow! Love is one of those things a huge heart will let grow! You learn to give! You learn to accept! With the past gone and the future to come!

I can't say enough, I love my life every day! I know I can get upset, yell, and be somewhat rude, but people who can tell the truth are the ones who let their colors show! To hide so much and hesitate to let it out, is a mere insercurity. Talk to your family, and let the past with forgivness become a remedy!

Upset? Confused? I just don't get it.....

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 15:46:08 GMT

I suppose you could say by the subject heading I may be confused, upset, or possibly just don't get it. I totally understand being and adult is growing up and dealing wh=ith everything life has to throw your way. I just don't understand why sometimes, well honestly the majority o the time these days I am just not happy. I mean I have two beautiful children that are your typical 5 and 1 year olds. They are all over the place and yes that can run you sanity rampid at times, but I love them and adore them. It's just so hard to have different veiws on raising kids and the actions, well activites you include you and them in. I know I am extremly busy and tired with everything going on, it just seems I would have someone willing to help me you know? I feel so alone sometimes!!!!!!! I don't like that feeling. I guess sometimes I feel like I can be overwhemling for people to deal with due to my hectic schedule, my diabetes at times, and what I just expect. I talk to Debbie about how I feel since she is honestly like my mom. It's just a great feeling to know I have them in my life and honestly always will! I look up to and admire them in so many ways! It's not all the time you actually see families stay so close and know what seems to be "everthing" about each other! Sara, Tom, and Debbie as well as the rest of the family all seem so close, together, and there for each other no matter what is going on! When you ask questions about the past, if Debbie doesn't know which she usually does then Tom or Sara remember what you are talking about! That's the family life I want! I want to know someone is there for me no matter what is going on. I don't mean to sound unhappy, because I mean I'm having my good times but like any relationship out there they have ups followed by downs. I just want to feel important and know where I stand, that's not too much to ask for.

Last night I was cleaning out one of the storage areas in the basement and found notes, cards, and pictures from 1999-2001! I found notes from Mike that I thought I lost! It just put a smile on my face. I remember all the silly things we used to do for each other! And in every one of them he would tell me how beautiful I was, how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. How could you not smile! Those are some of the nicest things someone so close to you could say, express, or let you know! Life was simple then I suppose. We weren't married, didn't have Tyler, The cancer wasn't even thought or Dx yet, and I wasn't a 25-year old planning her husbands funeral in 2006. Life goes by so fast! Some people have no clue what is important and how to exoress to the people in their life how important they are to each other!

I want ot raise my boys with heart, compassion, and the ability to express how they are feeling in a situation. I want them to have the best in regards to education, life satisfaction, and family well being. One of my friends Jill told me that as soon as I get done with school our personal relationship will be easier to handle since I won't be as stressed out. I told him that last night at dinner and he's response was, "we'll see." I just want to hear something that makes me feel important. I miss that. I know I can't compare two people especially two very different people, I just want to be a priority.

But I still can't express enough Things are good, I'm just stressed and at times depressed just thinking about how I want my life to be? Only the future with GOD in it can tell us what is going to happen you know.

On a GREAT note however! The semester is almost over in school and I may be on the DEANs list for the first time! I'm hope so! That would put the jelly on the toast so to say you know?!!!!!? I was thinking maybe I'll get my MSN and then I'll know for sure I can give my kids everything they need! I think my long term goal with work is to work with Oncology with Children, they are so precious and innocent. I think I would be able to talk to their familes, not have ever been a mother, but a wife of a cancer patient. I was talking to one of Andy's uncles who was Dx with Stage IV Lung Ca. He's doing well right now the "govm't just won't allow him Medicare so it could help cover his medical tx. I remember Mike being approved within the first 2 months. He told me they don't approve someone until they have had the condition for 18-months. It makes no since to me how one terminal person can get it while another can't. I don't know all the details of what he and his family are dealing with, I just know what we dealt with. Life is aweful at itmes. But then again it all is what you make of it. Love you family! Trust in GOD! and express you feelings because one day you may never get to say it again! Write a journal like this! Make a song about what your dealing with! When it's all said and done, someone will find it, read it, and it can tell a story about your life's story, like the Casting Crowns song, Life song!

I want to end this by saying I hope everyone had a blessed and wonderful Thanksgiving!

P.S. Mary S if you read this, I just found the first Christmas card you ever sent us! Thank you! Hope all is well in Mass.

Ann Hauenstein

3rd anniversary

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 09:37:04 GMT

Yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of Mike's passing. I felt it from the time I got up. Tom and I have just returned from an extended vacation,(with my sister Darlene and her husband Bill) and I was sick all weekend. I don't know if that had anything to do with it, but it has really hit me hard this year. I talked with a friend who also lost her son and she said the third year was when it hit her the hardest.
Tom and I put away the garden statues to get it ready for winter, which is our tradition for this date. We bring them out again on Mike's birthday in April. After Sara got off work, we went to the cemetery and wrote messages on white and gold balloons and let them go. they went so high so quickly, it was sunset and the sun was reflecting off them as they went so they were visible for a long time. then we went to dinner to celebrate Mike.

Ty is getting so big and is so smart. You never know what he might say (just like his mom), but in so many ways he is like his daddy. He definitely has his daddy's big heart, as he worries about his mom. Last year he was "Mario" for halloween, this year he wants to be "Fire Mario" (Wii Game). Ty is now an "eel" at swimming, which he really enjoys

Sara has to have back surgery in January. She has had back problems for a while and they are going to do an outpatient procedure and remove/replace a disk and fuse it with another. She is not looking forward to the surgery, but is looking forward to the relief it will give her. She has a little dog, Ivy, who is very cute, but very scared. She was rescued from a puppy mill and has a long way to go to trust humans.

Ann is working and going to school to get her BSN. It is so hard for her, but she knows it will give her and the boys security for the future. We are proud of her for thinking ahead and going after what she wants.

Tom is enjoying retirement, but is working one day a week for a contractor - at Ford. He is still in a band - now called TimeLine.

James and Kristin (James is Mike's friend who created this website) just had a baby boy! Mike would be very happy for them, as he would for his other friends who have had babies this year: Chris and Chasity, Chris and Desiree, Crystal - and Mark and Amy are due next year. His cousin Robbie got married, his cousin Mandy is engaged, his cousin Amy and her husband and his cousin Brian and his wife had babies. His friends B and Christy's little guy, Landon, is getting big, as is Nicolas, son of Dustin and Jessie (saw them all at the Hospice Hike) His friends Jason and Shannon are getting married (bout time!). His cousin Danny and his wife had a baby last year. His cousin Andrew made the freshman soccer team at Fairfield and his cousin Matt made the middle school golf team.

Speaking of golf, we had a great year at the 3rd annual Mike Hauenstein Memorial Golf Scramble and raised $7,000 - split between Hospice and American Cancer Society. We also had the 2nd annual horse show and doubled our donations from last year to $1200. Save the date for next year's golf outing - Sunday, May 2, 2010.

Life moves on - We miss you Mike!

Take care,
Debbie

I finally was able to make a POST!!!!

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 16:13:01 GMT

I have literally been trying to log into Mike's blog for months, just ask Debbie! First off I want to say life has been sooooooooo hectic and full of "life" these days! Tyler started school and in all the screenings they do on the kids in kindergarten! He scored Above Average on everything, with the exception of rhyming.....? Okay I'm pretty sure that's not going to affect his ability to get into college? LOL!!! Tyler is going through the process of getting an IEP for school due to him having ADHD among afew other things. Over all though he is such a GREAT kid! He acts so much like Mike! I love it! At the same time its hard, I'll find myself walking away and crying. I miss him so badly! He was always there for me when I needed him! He would always talk to me and tell me things were going to be alright! I miss that so much! It's always a GREAT and warming feeling to know you have someone in your life that loves you so much no matter what kind of stupid decision you make! I miss that! I was showing a girl in one of my classes a picture of Mike on my myspace of when we got married 8/10/2002. She wasn't aware I was a widow, since I don't think its one of those things many people my age will talk about you know...She asked why I had a wedding picture of him on there. I told her about what happened and she was in aw. Then she asked to see the picture again since I don't think she got to look at it or something. She then said, he really loved you didn't he? I asked her why. She told me you could see it in his eyes. Then that old stomach crunching feeling came back and I just sat there....Mike loved me so much and would always worry about me! It was a nice feeling sicne he was the first man I'd ever been with that atually felt and shared feelings about me like I shared about him. GOD only knows how much I miss that part of my life! It's just a feeling of over whelming compassion, love, and togetherness in a way. I can see those same things in Tyler! I love that! He's always worried about his little brother with the exceptions of when he takes is toys or its a time he's not in a sharing mood, but then again he's 5 adn still very much "my baby".

I'm taking full time classes at Miami right now. It's alot and I truely can't see how single parents do it without help! I work part time and the bills are hard to pay, but I'm able to get by. I have exactly 5 more semesters left and I'll have my BSN and really want to move after that. I just don't want to be here any more. After I lost Mike I lost a lot of things, friends and such, but I kinda exected that. People grow and change and there lives don't revolve around you. I just miss people calling and it's not too often they do anymore. I'm okay with that though I'm here for my family I just feel broken and have for some time. Maybe it's time for therapy? Maybe it's time to slow down. I remember Ed, Mike's grandpa telling me last summer he was worried I was doing too much too fast. I can see why he said that now. On the 14th I just sat out on my ront porch for who knows how long and cried. That was the night 3 years ago Mike had to make his final trip to the hospital. And then I get to think about yesterday it was the 16th, that was the day Dr Hawley told me after class Mike had 2 wks to 2 months. The nI get to think about the 18th that was the day at the hospital I decided to make it just time after our "friends" came to say their good byes it was enough anf now just time for us, the clos family, then her comes next Tuesday October 20th. It'll be three years since the day Mike passed away, three years have passed and I have done soooooo much! I've met another man, had another baby, am trying hard to finish school, and no where in that time have I sat and tried to say "Ann you need time too". Three years and I think it's about time for me to do just that, but when, how, and with who?

I think when I finish school I want to move by my sister! She's very level headed and can help me think of rational things to do. I love it here I just at times don't feel like I belong. Other then Columbus where my sister lives I think about Texas. I would love to work at MD Anderson and help people with Cancer! Or John Hopkins? I don't know I suppose GOD will send me some sort of sign? When, I'm not too sure.

I probably sounde half nuts saying half of the things I've said but I have so much bottled up and I don't know how to talk to Andy, Debbie, Tom, Sara, or some of my friends. It's hard to talk to people who have enough to worry about. Sometimes you feel like you are going to fill their lives with drama they don't need or there are times you don't want to talk to people because they will see things not very similar to how you see them. I mean I've never lost a child so it'd be hard to talk to a parent who has lost a child they carried for 9 months and raised into a wonderful young man and father, its hard to talk to a sister who herself hasn't been married or had a child with someone they planned on spending the rest of their life with; they were the sibling who grew up and shared many wonderful times and memories before you were in the picture, it's hard to talk to someone you're in a relationship with about a previous relationship that you addored so much to the point you know if the circumstances never occured the two of you would've never happened. It's just hard to find people you can talk to and say,"you knw what I mean?"

Even though I have my bad moments I still have my Great ones too! I love watching Tyler adn Gradin play! They adore each other and Tyler is so much into Mario right now its not even funny! I mean that too its not sometimes! LOL! Gradin loves all kinds of balls no matter what size or color! Gradin is starting the terrible 2's early and runs me rampid sometimes! But I wouldn't give them up for anything! After I get done with next year at school I really would like to take them on a vacation to maybe Disney? I need to get away with just me and them! It'd be fun and a time to make memories! I really beleive that memories help you deal sometimes! But I'm just one person!

I think I've written enough for right now! I'm going to go and clean the boys bathrooms while Tyler is going to watch Where the Wild things Are and Gradin is sleeping! I need to take a break from homework adn just do that! It needs to be done adn what better time! I'll try to write sooner this time then later!
All my love!
Ann Hauenstein

Fri, 29 May 2009 21:25:16 GMT

Wow I can't beleive he would be 30! Either that means he would be getting old or I'm just really feeling old! Some times I think about things and just wonder for what seems like forever why things happened and at the end no matter how mad or upset or even undesisive I was when I started thinking about whatever it was I still end up with the same conclusion...happy, content, and just knowing things happen for whatever reason it was that GOD thought it should happen that way.

Mike was more then an amazing father, friend, companion, son, brother, grandson, and the list goes on! We had so many good times and the stupid things we'd do or the things one of us would say! If half of you only knew!

Mike was a compassionate person who loved everyone and he always had hope for those who lacked that in themselves! He was always there ready for whatever was next! I miss that! Last night I was crying just because I wanted to talk to him and it's times like that I get upset. But I can't change what has happened.

I wonder what kind of birthday parties GOD has for you? If it were up to Mike he'd have Frishes Big Boys dry with ketchup or a pizza from just about anywhere with a Dr Pepper or glass of milk or water! He liked Dr Pepper better then coke and rightly so! It just taste better!

Tyler is doing great! Other then being dx with ADHD and is hyper as all get out his still me lil man! He's learning about the letter O in school this week! He was telling me that in just 3 weeks he gets to learn about the letter P and have a PJ party and can't wait! He's so smart just like any man though he wants what ever is on his mind at that time! HAHAHAHA!!! I still can't belevie he's 5! He tells me all the time he'll be 5 1/2 and he'll be in Kindergarten then! I asked him if he wants a summer party since thats what people are saying he should have and rightly so in his defence it wasn't his fault he was born on Christmas! But he wants a birthday close to his birthday becuase he wants more toys at the same time! I mean he's smart! He is a man who knows what he wants! I'm so blessed to have a man like him! I love my baby! And that's what he'll always be! Everytime I cut his toe nails and fingernails it's strange, but I feel like I'm holding Mike's hand! They look identical! And Tyler even talks like him. By that those of you who knew him knew how at times he woulod talk lower and make the puppy dog face to get things and sure enough Ty does it too! Strange how two people can be so much alike! Mike would be so proud of him!

As for me, I'm still one of the most busy people I've met! My family is all the same, I have a beautiful new lil guy, Gradin and a boyfriend Mike would approve of! He's great with the boys and has a great family I love dearly just like Mike's mom, dad, and sister! I's strange how things can happen and seem like a curse but at the same time be a blessing undercover you know? I'm so thankful to still talk to some of the folks Mike and I were friends with! Chris and Chas had another beautiful baby boy, Michael. Chris and Desiree are abot to have their forst in May! I run into Mike and Allison every once in a blue moon they now have another baby who really is a toddler at two!

I hope for a beautful day and am looking forward to our cake later today! This year maybe we'll have cupcakes!

III!!!!!!!!! Still Loving you and knowing you're better Mr Jefferson!!! Keep watching over me and since you were the brain in this pair please ask GOD to give me the insight I need for my CHM class, PLEASE!!!!

Happy 30th Birthday

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 23:25:54 GMT

Today, April 2, would have been Mike's 30th birthday. I keep thinking about all the fun we could have had teasing him that he is now "over the hill". I guess in a way he is "way over the hill" - he is in heaven. I am thankful that he is painfree and with God, but I still miss him very much. I think of him every day, of course, but holidays and birthdays always make it harder.

The forecast is for good weather and I am going to continue my tradition of working in his memory garden on his birthday, cleaning up all the leaves and twigs, and bringing out the statues and rocks. I was in the garden today and so much is starting to come up again - in the spring life is renewed.

Tyler is doing fine - sporting a black eye from a collision with a table at day care. He is taking tai kwon do and is doing ok, hard for him to listen for an hour! He is so smart - last week at my nephew Andrew's birthday party he was eating chocolate ice cream cake and said "this is the best energetic junk food I've ever had!".

Sara has adopted a cute little dog named Charlene, looks a lot like our old dog Lucky, just smaller. She is still considering a move to Florida - does not like the cold at all!

The 3rd annual Mike Hauenstein Memorial Golf Scramble will be held Sunday, May 2. We are looking for teams and sponsors. Call or email me for for details. (360-3273 or luckydog73@hotmail.com)

Also, from april 26 through May 2 anyone eating at the RiverBank Cafe in Hamilton who mentions the golf outing will get 20% of their bill donated to the golf outing! Thank you Dennis & Robin!

Tom's band, WaterStreet will be at the RiverBank on May 2, so we have a ready-made audience for those donations! Also, WaterStreet will be at Bridgewater Falls on April 25 from 6-8 for a cancer society fundraiser.

Ann is continuing her schooling to get her RN/BSN. She is still at Christ Hospital also. She never sits still!

Life moves on - it was over 5 years ago that Mike was diagnosed, December 2003. It seems like yesterday, and it seems like forever. It is hard to believe that he has been gone 2 1/2 years. I am grateful that I get to see his friends who are helping with the golf outing, and just the other day I ran into some other friends of Mike's, Chris & Desiree, who are expecting a baby girl!

Again, happy 30th birthday, Mike. I hope you get to have all the cake and ice cream you want up there in heaven!

Love,
Mom

Happy New Year

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 17:33:47 GMT

Happy New Year, everyone.

The holidays are over and lately I've been thinking about Mike and how strong of a person he was. Even though he was in pain, he didn't give up. I know he kept a lot from us, his loved ones, and tried to make the most of his life. He was there to support Ann as she earned her LPN, he was there for Tyler, playing with him as best he could, taking him to air shows, and even a trip to Disney World in spring 06, even though he was in so much pain. He made the most of his days, going to family events and participating as much as he could.

He didn't complain too much, although I know emotionally he was having a very hard time. I don't think he was afraid of dying as much as he was leaving his family. I know he has earned his place in heaven and is at peace.

There are days I don't want to go to work, afraid of what I will hear or see will remind me so much of what Mike went through. I know he would want me to help others, to share what I can of my experience to help them through theirs. There have been many incidents where I feel I have been led to a certain person or family, just to help guide them. I know then that Mike is smiling down on me, saying "you can do this, Mom".

So, in 2009, live life to the fullest - live, laugh, love. I know that is what Mike would want for all of us.

Love,
Debbie

Christmas

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 16:17:54 GMT

Merry 3rd Christmas in Heaven, Mike.

We still miss you everyday, but especially at the holidays.
Tyler's 5th birthday is today, he is getting so big. He looks and
acts so much like you did at this age. He is so smart and will be starting kindergarten
next September.
We took him to the zoo and he was "spooked" when the talking animals knew his name! He took off out of there so fast.
He came to our house the other day and saw the presents under the tree He stood there for about 5 minutes and finally asked "Grandma, are any of these for me?". Of course there were plenty for him, and his baby brother too.

Sara said she had a dream about you last night, as I did the night before. You are still very much a part of, us in our hearts, and our memories. Watch over us.

Love,
Mom

Two years

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 00:23:39 GMT

I can't believe it has been two years. It still seems like only yesterday. So much has happened - Tyler will be 5 this year! September was not a good month with Tom's dad (Mike's grandfather) passing on Sept. 5, followed by our neighbor and then my aunt. We went on a vacation the end of September, but came back to same old, same old. Last week we learned of another tragedy that hit pretty close to home.

None of this compares to losing Mike. I wish he could see Tyler, he would be so proud. He acts so much like his daddy - kind of on the wild side for an almost 5 year old, but he is a boy, and they want to run, explore, and try everything.

Tom & I spent Monday, the anniversary of Mike's death, cleaning his garden and putting away the stoneware, etc. Tyler was here and he and his friend, Jack, were playing in the yard. I gave them a juice box and they were sitting on the bench when all of a sudden Tyler said, "Jack, sometimes people just have to go to heaven". He is starting to ask questions, wanting to know when his daddy will come back from heaven.

Sara has moved into her own apartment and seems to like it. Her roommate, Stephanie, is also a horse lover so they get along great.

Life moves on, Ann is going to school and working at Christ. She and Andy have a beautiful baby boy, Gradin, and Tyler loves is little brother. Of course, Gradin laughs out loud every time he sees Tyler.

My nephews and sister put two balloons at the cemetery for Mike, my mom & dad have placed new flowers, and Tom, Sara and I took an angel. Ann & Tyler had placed two small pumpkins out there, but something took the smaller one and ate half the bigger one!

Mike's garden is sleeping for the winter, but I look forward to next spring when everything will be in bloom again. For now, we can see the squirrels and chipmunks playing.

I have so many wonderful friends and families who still think of us and still send cards, or just call to let us know that they care. We appreciate this more than you will ever know. Mike is gone, but we don't want him to be forgotten, so anytime someone mentions him or tells us they are thinking of us, we are so grateful.

We will continue to honor Mike by holding events in his name for organizations he had interest in. The 3rd Annual Mike Hauenstein Golf Outing will be held May 3, 2009 at Fairfield Greens. Please save the date - even if you don't golf, you can join us for a cookout and raffle.

Thanks for thinking of us,

Debbie

missing you, but it's okay to...

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 10:35:43 GMT

Missing you walk by me with you cain or stroll by on your walker,
Missing your talks,
Missing your thoughts,
Missing your company,
Sometimes I wonder why a person can think about someone not here, the reson is you were my best friend and were supposed to be here until the very end,
I wonder why things happen the way they do,
It all intierly makes me a stronger person all because of you!
I'm starting to find myself and discover new things,
I still get upset and yell at the little things, damn when will I get that shit straight?
I moved on in several ways not too many will ever agree, but I know what you wanted best in your heart for me!
I miss you like crazy, I miss you like hell!
I still wish I had my best frined around to joke with a worry about him as well.
Instead GOD sent you a message to go up above,
He let you give me a second chance at finding love!
Thank you for your offers and all the little things I know you still do!
Thank you for being so compassionate and still watching down!
My sugars are much better!
My kidneys are still the same,
My heart however still misses you; but I love you all the same!
Even though I have moved on withthat part of my life you see; I still have a huge heart to share!
Andy makes me feel like a complete instead of empty and crying with dispare.
I love the things you shared with me, and everything you taught me to do!
I appreciate everything you did for our son! And now he wants to know,
He wants to know why GOD doesn't share, why he can't talk to you;
He wants to know so many things, and you know what I tell him everything that I know!
I tell him GOD needs you more up there and one day he'll see your face! He wants to know if itll be next week, and with a broken heart I fined a way to tell him no,
Tylr will be a man like you, with a heart so full of GOLD!
He'll make a special husband to a fine young lady and help her find her soul!
Everyone should expereince what I did, not in these exact terms; but to know what is important and be able to spread my wings and sore,
Sore in ways to explore what GOD has laid down my path, figure out life journey , and not let a moment try to hold me down.
I miss you and at the same time thank you for everything you gave me to grow!

Long time!!!

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 03:10:57 GMT

So many things have been happening since the last time I posted on here. I can't believe it's already October!!! I get happy and then things just seem to happen and make me think about the past? That's part of life though. I'm in school and am waiting to see if I got accepted into the RN program at Miami. Please pray! I want this soooooooo badly! I have been working and going to school so what's new with my life not too much except Gradin teething, growing, and getting big! Tyler is getting sooooo big too, and that includes his little mouth! LOL!!! He's so hyper sometimes! He's so smart and can argue with you like an adult and I'll just not know what to say to him at times! :). I love my kids though! Me personally. I'm happy but at times I feel broken and I can't really explain it but I just don't feel complete and that's bad to say at times. I'm okay though I know it's part of healing and getting through things. Andy is very supportive, it's just hard to talk. Not so much to him, I just don't talk about my feelings to much of anyone, never really have though so nothings different with that. Debbie and Tom are on vacation, they really deserve it! Email Tom's dad, Mike's grandpa passed away at the start of September and then afew days later Brian, the other guy in Ohio that had Mike's cancer passed away after winning his battle! When I saw him I snapped inside. He looked like Mike and it was like I was there all over again! I surely don't want to go to another funeral anytime soon. It was good going there though. I got to meet Brians wife, mom, dad, and brother. I had heard so much about these people and finally got the chance to met them in person. I just felt bad since I was suppoesed to go up the week before he passed but I was sick and didn't want to get him sick since he was already dealing with his low counts and all. Well I really need to get back to my paper so I'm gonna get going. I'll write again later!
Ann H.

update!!!!!

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:30:41 GMT

Today was so far a GREAT DAY!!!!! Tyler, Gradin, and I went to Newport Aqaurium and had a great time! Tyler runs through it every time we go and honestly couldn't tell you a thing about the place, but that's okay! We had fun! Gradin smiled at the fish and coooed at everything Ty and I showed him! Afterwards its a ritual to go into Coldstone and get smoothies or milkshakes. Tyler likes to ask for chocalate/ vanilla mixed together milkshakes! So today he got a white chocalate milkshake!

So far I think I'm doing a GREAT job with Tyler and with Andy, who isn't his real dad, he honestly is doing a GREAT job as the person who is his dad. Mike would be happy he has someone like that to show him things and share things with him. No one understands except me what it's like to be in my situation except people who have lost their spouse and try to continue raiseing their child/ children the best they can....and by george I think we are doing a FABULOUS job!

I think about stuff all the time and at times I cry and at times I'm so happy it seems ridiculous! But all in all I wouldn't change my life at all. I've been living and that's what Mike would've want me and everyone else to do. On the other hand it's hard for me to fathum what Debbie, Tom, and Sara have experienced as a mother, father, and sister? I can't put myself in their shoes and honeslty wouldn't want them to have gone through what I went through and at times still am you know????

I still cherish every memory I have and talk to Debbie about some of the things she never knew. I want to tell her mor, but sometimes things are better never shared and kept as a memory for that person!There will be things I share with my family or friends, but then there will be things I do talk about and those will be things people should know...

With this said, I want everone to know I am happy and love my life today, as much as I loved my life then and still do cherish the things I dealt.

Wishing more happy days to come! And as I will cherish every minute I have now! I start school again in August and in two years I'll have my RN and will work with eith kids or cancer patients! I can't wait!

Ann Hauenstein

Father's Day

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 00:46:59 GMT

Yesterday was Father's Day, and, for me, I think it was worse than Mother's Day. I just kept thinking about how proud Mike would be to see Tyler. How sad it is that Tyler can't see his daddy. He is such a smart little guy, I asked him if he wanted to send a balloon to his daddy in heaven and he said, "no, our deal is to take flowers to his garden". He reminds me so much of Mike - he is very smart, very sensitive, but a such a boy - he can never sit still. He likes to swing, ride his bike, play cars, and is obsessed with a video game (just like his dad was) - Wii's Mariokart or Mario or Galaxy! He has now recorded in Tom's recording studio - not shy about singing.

I know Mike is in a better place and pain free, and though my mind tells me one thing, my heart is telling me something else - that I miss him very much.

Happy Father's Day, Mike. I know you are proud of your son.

Love,
Mom

Time keeps going by.....

Thu, 29 May 2008 18:57:11 GMT

Today is one of those days that you seem to think about the things that just keep happening in your life. I remember growing up and moving and asking questions that seemed so important to me at the time, but know seem to be meer questions that I would never want or imagine of asking. I remember calling my grandma every day to tell about the things that happened and now I can't do that since she's passed and is in a better place. I remember wanting to know what my dad thought of me since he passed when I was a mer 6-years old. I remember not being allowed to talk to my other grandma and grandpa since there was conflict between them and my mom. I remember not wanting to remember much of my childhood, which in all honesty I don't for whatever reason behind everything that was going on then. As the time keeps going on I still at times don't remember much of what I should remember. But to say the least I grew up and now remember what I need to. I remember the pasted years of middle school on and the things I learned that have helped me become a better person. I love the memories of car shows, I love the memories of events that have helped shape lives. I know what I am writting about and that at this moment is good enough for me. I'm 27-years old now and still feel like I should only be 20. But that's not how life is or how the time clock is running. When you are young you tell your parents I can't wait until I grow up, but when you are grown up you want the time back you can never get you know?????

I wouldn't change anything in my life for the simple fact I cherish everything I have and am honestly thakful for everything I have had the chance to encounter with these pasted 27-years! I miss all the good times, but am looking forward to all the soon to bes! I can't wait to see what my future has in store for me. I am looking forward to the things GOD has in store for me and my family!

Right now I am so blessed to have the family I have! I am so blessed to have the children I have! With them everyday is a blessing and with the hardships of the pasted and the ones that are sure to come in the future that is life and one day at a time is good enough for me today.

It's strange how people can say things that are so hurtful to you, but until they have walked in your shoes they have nothing to say you know. Life is just that, it's life and it makes us who we are. I'm still learning from my mistakes. but atleast I don't look at everything I've done as a mistake I just keep learning and with time on some will just keep getting better at not doing the same things over and over again.

Ann

Mike's 29th Birthday

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 00:24:23 GMT

Today is Mike's 29th birthday. So much has happened in the last year, yet it still seems like yesterday he was here with us. I think this year is harder than last, last year I think we were still numb, this year the reality has set in.

I know Mike would be so proud of Tyler. He reminds me so much of his daddy - Mike was always a little on the "hyper" side, running, jumping, active. Tyler is the same way - can't sit still for a minute - unless it is to play "mario", which I know drives his mommy crazy. She is very good with him, limiting his time on it and encouraging him to play with other toys. He is quite the young man, although if you call him that, he will say he is a boy. He is also very smart and likes to ask lots of questions. but I guess that is how you learn - ask questions.

Tyler has a baby brother, Gradin, and he loves him dearly. He is always asking about his baby brother and bragging that he is a big brother, that his hands, feet and head have grown since he is a big brother. I know Mike would be happy for him and Ann, a new little person to love.

Tom, Sara, Ann, Tyler and myself went to dinner at Chili's to celebrate Mike's birthday and then went to the cemetery to hang a windchime on a tree near Mike. Tyler had a chocolate milkshake, which was his daddy's favorite.

Before we went to dinner, Tyler and I were playing soccer in the front yard. He started throwing the ball into the air. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was trying to throw it up to heaven so his daddy could throw it back down to him. I wish his daddy was here to play with him. I am so afraid as the years go by, he will forget his daddy, but we are all trying to do things to keep his memory alive.

May 4th is the 2nd annual golf outing at Fairfield Greens. If anyone is interested, please email me at luckydog73@hotmail.com. I'll be glad to send you info.

Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven, Mike.
I love you.

Mom

Bittersweet yet cumbersom

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 19:09:03 GMT

Today is and is the day that was supposed to be Mike's 29th B-day. It makes the ones who were close to him think about what would today have been like if he was still here or what his prognosis been? Would it have been the same or would it have been similar with the same outcome? No matter what we all still miss him and love him and miss him the very same!!!!!!!

Later today Debbie, Tom, Sara, Tyler, and I all plan on going out to eat and getting him a B-day cake like I did last year and going to his grave and having a "birthday party". Call us crazy, but it'll help us all in our own special way and you'll never understand untill you go through something like this. I hate saying things like that, but it's the truth and I hope none of my friends nor their parents have to bury their husbands or children.

To start the day Deb came over and helped take Ty to school like she has been since I had Gradin! She and Tom help me out so much and I'm so gratefull to the two of them! They are lifesavers and I love them dearly. Without them I would be up a creek without a paddle to say the least! Tyler is going through a phase of mouthy 4-year old things, but hey he'll do the same thing again throughout his life just like every other kid!

I signed up to start school again at Miami to finsih my nursing degree and am looking forward to start! I can't wait to be done and focus on my family and settle done with my life.

Tyler has his first soccer game this Saturday! He is growing so fast and I adore him to death, I just with at times he would stop talking about the darn WII. He talks about how when he grows up and becomes a man he'll be able to play SuperMario Galaxy. Some times I laugh, but when you've heard it for the what seems like the 1000th time that day you just want to yell at the top of your voice and when you tell him to talk about something else he just looks at you and ask, "Why mommy?" All in all life if calm, with the things you think about. I tihnk about mykids and my family, and my relationship and whats going to happen and come out of it. I think about MIke and miss our talks and what we had. I miss the calls and the I Love u's. I think about what my future will have with Tyler and how he will be growing up with his new extended family and how I will try to do everything I can with everyone elses' advice that will be accepted but at time not understood on both ends?

That said,

Happy 29th Birthday Jefferson! We all still love you so much with tears from so many, but with the happiness that you aren't hurting and the love that is still in so many hearts here on earth!

Your Best Friend,
Ann
I I I- you know what that means.....

Ann/Baby

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 00:36:02 GMT

Just an FYI that Ann delivered Gradin Andew Schutte today, March 1. He weighed 7 lbs 3 oz and has blond hair and chubby cheeks. Mom and baby are doing fine.

Debbie

What's Next?

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 16:08:44 GMT

It's been such a long time since I've been on here since we've been doing some upgrades around the house and the internet here was temporally down for whatever reason? Gradin, our new baby(Andy and I) is due the 22 of this month, but will be bornn before that)

I went to the OB again today for the usual high risk check up with my diabetes and all, I know Mike used to post about my sugars until I asked him to stop. Well in that area things have been pretty good! I've only had to go to the hospital one time since last January when Andy and I started dating so that's a plus and a major postive showing less stress and things like that on my part, right!?!

I had to go to the hospital for pain,pressure, and elevated blood pressure on Monday in the middle of my work day, which was kinda imbarassing for me, since I was joking when I first got to work about that I was so ready to have the baby and then I ended up over at UC hooked up to the monitors with contractions every so often, but at least my blood pressure went down! My doctor was telling me my uric acid level is up to a 5 and what that means is that my kidneys are on their way to failing. She said once it gets to 8 my kidneys will be failing and that's when they decide due to the protocol to take babies from diabetic mothers. I remember that happeneing with Tyler, but it wasn't as bad the first time around. It's just scary to think about since Tyler already only has me and that would leave Gradin in a similar spot and to a major degree and point I can relate to how Mike felt when he knew what his fate was. But like Mike, I'm gonna fight and do everything I can after Gradin gets here to be here for my children and watch and help them grow into the men they should become with my help and support!

I'm gonna be a mom that is similar to Debbie, since I appreciate the way Mike turned out and give Tyler and Gradin extra attention when it is needed and an extra push in the back to make them keep moving with good intentions at heart. Andy, turned out good too! He's very helpful and great with Tyler! Tyler told me and Debbie last night that we culdn't play Mario Galaxy on the WII since we were girls and didn't know how to play, that only him and Andy since they were boys understood how to play. I swear sometimes the things that come out of his little mouth are....well you get what I'm saying!

I find out later today what my uric acid level is and if it's not in by then I call in the morning to see if Mr. Gradin will be born then. Right now it seems like a waiting game, but I just want both him and I to be healthy for the delivery and after.

I'll keep everyone updated! REMEMBER THE GOLF OUTING! FUNFUNFUN!!!!!!!!!! FOOD,FUN,AND MORE!!!!!!!!!!

Ann Hauenstein

Keeping Mike's Memory Alive

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 21:54:47 GMT

Just an FYI to everyone - we are going to hold the 2nd Annual Mike Hauenstein Golf Outing on Sunday, May 4th at 1pm at Fairfield Greens. More info will follow.

Last year (2007) we raised $3,000, split between Hospice of Hamilton and Relay for Life. This year's donations will go to Hospice of Hamilton and the Liddy Schriver Sarcoma Foundation.

Sara is also planning a horse show sometime in early June to raise more donations.

We'll keep you posted.

Live Strong
Debbie

New Year

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 19:51:09 GMT

Gosh, Ann beat me to the New Year posting.

I echo her sentiments. I wish everyone a peaceful and loving New Year.

I still miss Mike, especially this time of year. Today I went through old family pics, something I've been wanting to do since we moved. Bought some frames and will start finding places for them. It's amazing to look back and see what we all looked like 28 years ago! Time flies.

I am so glad we did so many "family" things when the kids were younger - its great to look back at pics of vactions we took together, soccer games, etc. Mike got to do a lot during his life, and I will never reget some of the sacrifices Tom & I made for ourselves so we could go on vacations with the kids.

Ann and Tyler are doing well. Tyler is so bright - uses such big words and can almost read (he sounds out letters and sounds). Andy has come into their lives and truly seems to care about them.

Sara has a great job and wants to buy some land and start a small farm.

Tom retired in April and is really enjoying it. It gave him time to work on some projects around the house, especially Mike's garden.

I am still working for Hospice and we will be moving to a bigger facility in March.

I know Mike is watching us from heaven and hopefully we are living our lives as he would want us to, honoring his memory, but moving forward at the same time.

Love & Happy New Years!
Debbie

New Year Already!

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 14:31:09 GMT

I can't believe it's already a new year when it just seems like the last one just started. I suppose being so busy with everything that's been happening over the last twelve months with school, work, and family times tends to go faster, but they say the older you get the faster the times goes by as well?

A recap on this past year has so many stories in itself as do so many others out there simply living their lives!

I'll start with last January: I was working new years eve night and day so it started off I guess you could say with amking money! On the good side! Not too long after Tyler and I started I suppose you could say tasting the worlds joys that were put on hold not by choice though. We went to parks and I got a new shift at work, we tried new things around the house and redecorated a lot of it. We painted every room and started finishing the basement with Andy's help! I am still going to UC Raymond Walters for Radiation Therapy and am supposed to start the program this coming August!

So many other wonderful things have happened in our life too! It's going to have an addition in 2008 and Tyler, Andy, and I are all looking forward to it! Tyler had a great Christmas, which is also his birthday! This past year and is now four years old and doing very good on the pottie! He either tells you or just goes right on in and does what ever he needs to get done! I'm so proud of him and I know Mike would be just as proud! I still believe that where ever he is that he is watching over him and I and helping good things come our way and at the same time still makes me realize what's important and even when it's hard take a minute and just breath.

Last night we just stayed home, first we went to big boy since Tyler likes it so much, and then came home to watch the ball drop. Tyler had fallen asleep around 10:30 so he was already in bed. I just still can't believe it's 2008! I'm going to be 27 and it still seems like I was 13 at my friends house and we were calling our friends at midnight eating PB and J sandwiches! But in reality it's not! All I can say is I am looking forward to this new year and all that it has to offer my whole family, both new and old. I wish health and more serenity to those who have a hard time with that, and more love to those who have a hard time dealing with love! I wish the families that are or have never gotten along a moment of tranquility or even a cival conversation. For Tyler I wish him more love and more joys of learning what the world is and what he can do and teach him more of what he isn't supposed to do as a mother! For Andy, I wish him luck with his business and love that he can cherish with his newly added family! For Debbie and Tom, I wish them happiness with their new house and many things they have planned with vacations and time for themselves since they always give to others! For my sister, I wish her a happy year with maybe a promotion that she would probablly really like! For my brother in law, I wish him the best of luck with his current promotion he got at the grocery he is a manager at! For my sister inlaw I wish her the best of luck with life and love and continued luck with her new job! For my brother I hope he can only grow into the adult he should be and not yell and ridicule so much since it hurts so many. For andy's family I wish them happiness and joy with everything they have coming their way and all the joys of family! For me I just ask for and want to be happy and be able to cherish what GOD has blessed me with right now and hopefully with good health for the rest of my life! I just want the best for everyone and as the saying goes, "It is what it is," and "you get what you get", and "what you put in you usually get out".

I'm looking forward to this new year and can only hope for the best with what is handed my way!

Wishing everyone a safe and Happy New Year!
Ann Hauenstein

Just a Poem

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 03:34:20 GMT

From the feelings I felt,
to the feelings I miss,
Not a day goes by that I don't remember all that you meant!

The hugs that soothed,
the kisses that made me flutter,
the way you gazed when you wanted that extra attention!

The day that we met,
the day that we danced,
the way we looked at each other;
both with loving eyes!

The day our son was born,
the day that he ran!
the day that all the damn chemo started it was like
BAM!!

The day that we found out,
the day that we cried,
the day that we knew you were going to die,

The days never seem to end,
they merely pass on and go,

Not a moment goes by that I kiss my ring and mutter, NO.

I miss my best friend,
the love of my life,

I miss the good talks about me being your wife.

I miss the calls all the way from work,
the exciting and illogical news!
I miss the laughs, the tears, and so many other unexpected oh my gosh and dears!

What do you say to people who have not a single clue?

You mutter or you smile,
since they themselves haven't walked a minute down your mile!

People think life moves on too fast,
other say what the hell have a blast.

Life is so short and precious,
today smile and grasp every extra minute!

Things are handed to you for a reason,
Not a single soul knows why?

One day we'll all know our purpose of what was once a huge fight and battle.
Life is a journey to take as a gift from him,
Without a day of pain,
you'll never know what or why you were given such a strain?

Life is a gift that god has chosen for you!
Life is a path to something so bright and true!

Smile and be a gentle heart,
and pass each moment to another cherished part,

Life is everything you make it,
and be glad you can still feel the rain with your skin, your face, and even the tips of your heart!

Ann Hauenstein-