My fight to Livestronger

I cannot believe it has been five years. I still seems like yesterday. I still want to talk with Mike, share stories about Tyler, see Mike become the man he was to become. Life goes on, but there is always something missing. Time moves on but we still live in the past, thinking about "what if". We will never be the same, we will always be changed - our lives are divided into a "before" and "after". I am still waiting for things to get back to normal, only to realize that this is the new normal. I still miss you, Mike. Love, Mom.

Hi everyone
I don't know why, but Mike's website is up and running again! We just finished the 5th Annual Mike Hauenstein Memorial Golf Scramble on May 1 and totaled approximately $6,000 in donations for Hospice of Hamilton and Butler County American Cancer Society. It stopped raining when the golf started, and started raining when it ended (did you have anything to do with that, Mike?). It was a bittersweet day - we miss Mike so much still, but what a celebration of his life that so many would come and donate in his name!
Dear friends of ours have just lost their 23 year old son, and our hearts are broken for them. We know what is to come, and we know that they will never be the same. You get through it, but are changed forever. It is a sorrow that no parent should have to endure. Please pray for them.

Debbie

Today I woke up with, what I suppose you could call a lump in my throat. For what ever the reason may be the more time goes by, the more I seem to miss Mike! I guess when you watch a loved one go through some of the same things I watched Mike deal with it somewhat prepares you for what life has in store for you. I'm not by any means saying I don't cherish my life I have right now. I have a GREAT family! I have a mom, dad, and sister who aren't mime by blood, but in other means were in a way brought to me like Mike and I were brought together. I feels weird writing things like this from time to time. I know they are feelings and I know it's good to express how you feel or you'd end up going down a creek with no paddle litterally getting stuck in a bush per say..

Today, eight years ago Mike and I got married at St. Marks United Methodist Church. We had a beautiful wedding with a FULL church! The weather I can still remember being so hot and the air not being turned on. I remember yelling and using a few choice words! It ended up being a great night even though I really think I was ready to be done with the night before the pictures were done being taken! I still have so many pictures! Some of which Debbie and Tom were "cutting the rug" so to speak!

Seven-years ago today I remember eating our wedding cake, being 3-months pregnant with Tyler! And when I look at him! He may do some silly things, but honestly he's such a smart, talented, young man! He has a heart of gold just like his daddy did! His hands, feet, and so many more things remind me of Mike and I thank GOD every day I was able to have a blessing like him! He and the rest of the family help me see just how important it is to be thankful for what you have. Yeah it's okay to worry, heck who doesn't? But when you know you have people you can count on, life is good!

So much has changed over the past few years. People have grown, gone their own ways, and started families. I'm glad people have gone on their ways to find where they and their families are supposed to be and what plans are in store for them. I truely still believe everything has happened for a reason and I would do every bit of it all over again! I learned so much and with having gone through that path in my life I know what GOD had in store for me! Mike would be so proud of me just like his family is for being in the Nursing Program at Miami! I have 10 more months, 2 semesters until I get my RN and 12-18 months until I have my BSN! I am looking forward to being an Oncology Nurse, but time will tell!

Life is good! I am so thankful for all my friends who remembered today! I was able to spend a good portion of the day with Crystal and her ADORABLE!!!! little girl Cora! I enjoy those times! Tyler is at Daycare having an ice cream social today, so by no means could I keep him from the "ice cream"! And Gradin my little guy has to be every where is brother is! They just adore each other!Debbie texted me earlier to say she was thinking about me. It was nice! I'm always here when they need me and no matter what their always there for me! I swear, I am blessed considering the circumstances! Truely Blessed!

Hopefully it won't take so long for me to get on here the next time!
Ann Hauenstein

It has been a while since I posted. Mike's 31st birthday has come and gone, and, as it has been the past two years, it was a hard day. April 2nd was nice weather, though, and we were able to get the garden ready for spring. It is really beautiful this year.

This past weekend we had a few family reunions. I enjoyed seeing everyone, all the nieces and nephews and their kids. It was hard, though, thinking that Mike should have been there too. It was fun to watch "Aunt Sara" and Ty playing in the pool. He has become quite the swimmer - he is great at snorkeling. Swimming may be his sport!

Ty is so proud that he is now a first grader. Tom, myself, my mom and dad, my sister, Diane, and her two boys, Andrew and Matthew went to Florida for a week. Ty had fun at Disney and got to swim in the gulf a few times. He slept most of the way there and back, so he really has no idea how far it is!

A few weeks ago, I was cleaning out a closet and found some canvas bags. As I was looking thru them, I found a World Cup hat from 1994 that belonged to Mike! I had been thinking about Mike alot, there was a big group who went to the world cup that year (it was in Detroit) I was thinking about how Mike's girlfriend at the time had braided his hair on the way there (yep, his hair was that long!) We also saw the OJ chase on a tv at a gas station on the way up. I don't think finding Mike's hat was a coincidence - I think it was his way of letting me know that he remembered it too and was saying _ GO USA!

Well, Mike, the US fought hard, but didn't make it this year. Maybe next time.

Mom

Yesterday was my birthday and of course I was missing Mike. My friend, Barb, gave me a book (Streams in the Desert) with daily readings.

Here is an excerpt from today's reading:

"Weeping inconsolably beside a grave will never bring back the treasure of a lost loved one, nor can any blessing come from such great sadness. Sorrow causes deep scars, and indelibly writes its story on the suffering heart. We never completely recover from our greatest griefs and are never exactly the same after having passed through them. yet sorrow that is endured in the right spirit impacts our growth favorably and brings us a greater sense of compassion for others. Indeed, those who have no scars of sorrow or suffering upon them are poor. The joy set before us should shine on our griefs just as the sun shines through the clouds, making them radiant. God has ordained our truest and richest comfort to be found by pressing on toward the goal. Sitting down and brooding over our sorrow deepens the darkness surrounding us, allowing it to creep into our heart. And soon our strength has changed to weakness. But if we will turn from the gloom and remain faithful to the calling of God, the light will shine again and we will grow stronger."

Debbie

Today is a special day! It's Debbie, Mike's moms birthday! and tomorrow it will be my 29th! WOW, the years have flown by! I was just thinking how through these past few years I have learned so much. I have learned the importance of family, even if they are not your blood! The importance of talking about your feelings, even though I seem to most likely sound like I'm complaining I'm really not. I have a hard time talking sometimes, even if you know me to the point I talk all the time. Sometimes as a defense technique, I talk about something else I make sound so important when in its intitetiy its not. (please excuse my spelling!)

I love my family! I love Mike's family, ehich is so close to being mine! I love my friends who have stood by me over these past 3+ years to let me know its okay to move forward! It's okay to explore life, even though I seem to dwell on school and the worries of Tyler. Ty is perfectly healthy he just has his times, like any 6 yr old. I worry just as much for his little brother! Now I worry about Andy. I just want everyone to live and be happy. I wish I was done with school so I could spend more time with my family, one day soon enough I'll be there! I will be graduating with an Associates of Arts in Social Science this May! Next May I will be graduating with my RN and the May following I will be graduating with my BSN hopefully! Maybe 'll continue to go part time to get my Masters! That's a dream adn what is life without hopes and dreams?!?!?!?!?!

I am so proud of Tyler! He's so smart! He ask me questions about things a typical 6 yr old never thinks of! This morning at breakfast he was telling me how much he loved his grandpa Great, Tom's dad who pasted away almost a year ago this Sep. Emil was a great man! He loved his family! He had a heart of GOLD!!! He was dealing with Colon Cancer. He was Dx right after Mike was Dx with his Cancer. GOD bless Tom and his sister and brother for losing him! He was a bright smile and a tender conversation!

I was just thinking and wanted to write a catch up!
Have a blessed day!
Ann Hauenstein!!!!!!

Even though it has been 4 Christmas, we still miss Mike and each holiday brings the pain back. Can you imagine going to the cemetery to decorate your son's grave? We still like to hear from our friends on these days - it cheers us to know that you are thinking of us and Mike.


The letter below was given to me by another mother in my support group who lost her son. I want to share it with all of you so that maybe you can understand that the grief is still there, it doesn't go away, it may seem gentler.

Dear Friend,



Please be patient with me; I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time.

Please don't take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder.

Don't be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care.

Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give.

Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Feel free to share your own stories of Mike with me. I need to hear them.

Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired clichés. I can't handle another person telling me that time heals all wounds.

Please don't try to find the "right" words to say to me. There's nothing you can say to take away the hurt. What I need are hugs, not words.

Please don't push me to do things I'm not ready to do, or feel hurt if I seem withdrawn. This is a necessary part of my recovery.

Please don't stop calling me. You might think you're respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like abandonment. Please don't expect me to be the same as I was before. I've been through a traumatic experience and I'm a different person.

Please accept me for who I am today. Pray with me and for me. Should I falter in my own faith, let me lean on yours. In return for your loving support I promise that, after I've worked through my grief, I will be a more loving, caring, sensitive, and compassionate friend-because I have learned from the best.

Love,
Debbie

When you're trying to think,
When you're trying to move forward;
Sometimes the contents go further and you're abiliy to conceptulize what you are doing gets hazy and dreer,

What do I do?
What can I say?
What must I do to make all this nonsense trickle away?

How do I get past these next few years, without a sense of accomplishment ever near?
What do I sy to those who know I can? What about those who say I should think about my kids?

It's not that I don't, It's more about how I do...
It's more about the differeance I know I can get through this with a high five or "I told you you could get through this too..."

When does it get easy?
When will it slow down?

I try so hard to get things done, but it never seems to be enough in the "now".
All I want is a little more help, not from those who give it, but from the ones who should.

Time does fly by so fast, I still can remember those last minutes, just like they were today. I remember June 6 2000, I remember October 31 2009! These are such special days to me! And I suppose I will only alway know why,
But with so much going on with school, why do so many people have to ask me why?

Things happen for a reason, things come and they go,

People change how they view whats important, how we dress, and certainly how we grow!!!
People are all so different, People are never the same! People need to understand, "you" are you" and I know that will never change!

Writting this is making me feel better! It makes me see my life! How I interupt this is how I take my flight! I move onto the futire! I see brighter things to come! One day, I'll get out of here! and see what my carrer and family will have to come!

I see a better job! With a way to pay the bills! Not that they aren't getting paid, All I mean is that it'll be easier and less things to deal. This is just the stress that comes with motherhood! It's part of being in a relationship, and planning for what's to come.

I honeslty wouldn't change my life, just wish it was simplier! But how would that make me who I am! I'm a challange! and so paticular! I want nothing but the best! and I'll make sure my family has everything! I want to graduate! so what maybe I'll be in my 30's! Life has taken me up roads I'm glad I traveled! I would do it all again!

I have learned what love can do! and how it can help you grow! Love is one of those things a huge heart will let grow! You learn to give! You learn to accept! With the past gone and the future to come!

I can't say enough, I love my life every day! I know I can get upset, yell, and be somewhat rude, but people who can tell the truth are the ones who let their colors show! To hide so much and hesitate to let it out, is a mere insercurity. Talk to your family, and let the past with forgivness become a remedy!

I suppose you could say by the subject heading I may be confused, upset, or possibly just don't get it. I totally understand being and adult is growing up and dealing wh=ith everything life has to throw your way. I just don't understand why sometimes, well honestly the majority o the time these days I am just not happy. I mean I have two beautiful children that are your typical 5 and 1 year olds. They are all over the place and yes that can run you sanity rampid at times, but I love them and adore them. It's just so hard to have different veiws on raising kids and the actions, well activites you include you and them in. I know I am extremly busy and tired with everything going on, it just seems I would have someone willing to help me you know? I feel so alone sometimes!!!!!!! I don't like that feeling. I guess sometimes I feel like I can be overwhemling for people to deal with due to my hectic schedule, my diabetes at times, and what I just expect. I talk to Debbie about how I feel since she is honestly like my mom. It's just a great feeling to know I have them in my life and honestly always will! I look up to and admire them in so many ways! It's not all the time you actually see families stay so close and know what seems to be "everthing" about each other! Sara, Tom, and Debbie as well as the rest of the family all seem so close, together, and there for each other no matter what is going on! When you ask questions about the past, if Debbie doesn't know which she usually does then Tom or Sara remember what you are talking about! That's the family life I want! I want to know someone is there for me no matter what is going on. I don't mean to sound unhappy, because I mean I'm having my good times but like any relationship out there they have ups followed by downs. I just want to feel important and know where I stand, that's not too much to ask for.

Last night I was cleaning out one of the storage areas in the basement and found notes, cards, and pictures from 1999-2001! I found notes from Mike that I thought I lost! It just put a smile on my face. I remember all the silly things we used to do for each other! And in every one of them he would tell me how beautiful I was, how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. How could you not smile! Those are some of the nicest things someone so close to you could say, express, or let you know! Life was simple then I suppose. We weren't married, didn't have Tyler, The cancer wasn't even thought or Dx yet, and I wasn't a 25-year old planning her husbands funeral in 2006. Life goes by so fast! Some people have no clue what is important and how to exoress to the people in their life how important they are to each other!

I want ot raise my boys with heart, compassion, and the ability to express how they are feeling in a situation. I want them to have the best in regards to education, life satisfaction, and family well being. One of my friends Jill told me that as soon as I get done with school our personal relationship will be easier to handle since I won't be as stressed out. I told him that last night at dinner and he's response was, "we'll see." I just want to hear something that makes me feel important. I miss that. I know I can't compare two people especially two very different people, I just want to be a priority.

But I still can't express enough Things are good, I'm just stressed and at times depressed just thinking about how I want my life to be? Only the future with GOD in it can tell us what is going to happen you know.

On a GREAT note however! The semester is almost over in school and I may be on the DEANs list for the first time! I'm hope so! That would put the jelly on the toast so to say you know?!!!!!? I was thinking maybe I'll get my MSN and then I'll know for sure I can give my kids everything they need! I think my long term goal with work is to work with Oncology with Children, they are so precious and innocent. I think I would be able to talk to their familes, not have ever been a mother, but a wife of a cancer patient. I was talking to one of Andy's uncles who was Dx with Stage IV Lung Ca. He's doing well right now the "govm't just won't allow him Medicare so it could help cover his medical tx. I remember Mike being approved within the first 2 months. He told me they don't approve someone until they have had the condition for 18-months. It makes no since to me how one terminal person can get it while another can't. I don't know all the details of what he and his family are dealing with, I just know what we dealt with. Life is aweful at itmes. But then again it all is what you make of it. Love you family! Trust in GOD! and express you feelings because one day you may never get to say it again! Write a journal like this! Make a song about what your dealing with! When it's all said and done, someone will find it, read it, and it can tell a story about your life's story, like the Casting Crowns song, Life song!

I want to end this by saying I hope everyone had a blessed and wonderful Thanksgiving!

P.S. Mary S if you read this, I just found the first Christmas card you ever sent us! Thank you! Hope all is well in Mass.

Ann Hauenstein

Yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of Mike's passing. I felt it from the time I got up. Tom and I have just returned from an extended vacation,(with my sister Darlene and her husband Bill) and I was sick all weekend. I don't know if that had anything to do with it, but it has really hit me hard this year. I talked with a friend who also lost her son and she said the third year was when it hit her the hardest.
Tom and I put away the garden statues to get it ready for winter, which is our tradition for this date. We bring them out again on Mike's birthday in April. After Sara got off work, we went to the cemetery and wrote messages on white and gold balloons and let them go. they went so high so quickly, it was sunset and the sun was reflecting off them as they went so they were visible for a long time. then we went to dinner to celebrate Mike.

Ty is getting so big and is so smart. You never know what he might say (just like his mom), but in so many ways he is like his daddy. He definitely has his daddy's big heart, as he worries about his mom. Last year he was "Mario" for halloween, this year he wants to be "Fire Mario" (Wii Game). Ty is now an "eel" at swimming, which he really enjoys

Sara has to have back surgery in January. She has had back problems for a while and they are going to do an outpatient procedure and remove/replace a disk and fuse it with another. She is not looking forward to the surgery, but is looking forward to the relief it will give her. She has a little dog, Ivy, who is very cute, but very scared. She was rescued from a puppy mill and has a long way to go to trust humans.

Ann is working and going to school to get her BSN. It is so hard for her, but she knows it will give her and the boys security for the future. We are proud of her for thinking ahead and going after what she wants.

Tom is enjoying retirement, but is working one day a week for a contractor - at Ford. He is still in a band - now called TimeLine.

James and Kristin (James is Mike's friend who created this website) just had a baby boy! Mike would be very happy for them, as he would for his other friends who have had babies this year: Chris and Chasity, Chris and Desiree, Crystal - and Mark and Amy are due next year. His cousin Robbie got married, his cousin Mandy is engaged, his cousin Amy and her husband and his cousin Brian and his wife had babies. His friends B and Christy's little guy, Landon, is getting big, as is Nicolas, son of Dustin and Jessie (saw them all at the Hospice Hike) His friends Jason and Shannon are getting married (bout time!). His cousin Danny and his wife had a baby last year. His cousin Andrew made the freshman soccer team at Fairfield and his cousin Matt made the middle school golf team.

Speaking of golf, we had a great year at the 3rd annual Mike Hauenstein Memorial Golf Scramble and raised $7,000 - split between Hospice and American Cancer Society. We also had the 2nd annual horse show and doubled our donations from last year to $1200. Save the date for next year's golf outing - Sunday, May 2, 2010.

Life moves on - We miss you Mike!

Take care,
Debbie