livstrong (livstrong) wrote,

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I finally was able to make a POST!!!!

I have literally been trying to log into Mike's blog for months, just ask Debbie! First off I want to say life has been sooooooooo hectic and full of "life" these days! Tyler started school and in all the screenings they do on the kids in kindergarten! He scored Above Average on everything, with the exception of rhyming.....? Okay I'm pretty sure that's not going to affect his ability to get into college? LOL!!! Tyler is going through the process of getting an IEP for school due to him having ADHD among afew other things. Over all though he is such a GREAT kid! He acts so much like Mike! I love it! At the same time its hard, I'll find myself walking away and crying. I miss him so badly! He was always there for me when I needed him! He would always talk to me and tell me things were going to be alright! I miss that so much! It's always a GREAT and warming feeling to know you have someone in your life that loves you so much no matter what kind of stupid decision you make! I miss that! I was showing a girl in one of my classes a picture of Mike on my myspace of when we got married 8/10/2002. She wasn't aware I was a widow, since I don't think its one of those things many people my age will talk about you know...She asked why I had a wedding picture of him on there. I told her about what happened and she was in aw. Then she asked to see the picture again since I don't think she got to look at it or something. She then said, he really loved you didn't he? I asked her why. She told me you could see it in his eyes. Then that old stomach crunching feeling came back and I just sat there....Mike loved me so much and would always worry about me! It was a nice feeling sicne he was the first man I'd ever been with that atually felt and shared feelings about me like I shared about him. GOD only knows how much I miss that part of my life! It's just a feeling of over whelming compassion, love, and togetherness in a way. I can see those same things in Tyler! I love that! He's always worried about his little brother with the exceptions of when he takes is toys or its a time he's not in a sharing mood, but then again he's 5 adn still very much "my baby".

I'm taking full time classes at Miami right now. It's alot and I truely can't see how single parents do it without help! I work part time and the bills are hard to pay, but I'm able to get by. I have exactly 5 more semesters left and I'll have my BSN and really want to move after that. I just don't want to be here any more. After I lost Mike I lost a lot of things, friends and such, but I kinda exected that. People grow and change and there lives don't revolve around you. I just miss people calling and it's not too often they do anymore. I'm okay with that though I'm here for my family I just feel broken and have for some time. Maybe it's time for therapy? Maybe it's time to slow down. I remember Ed, Mike's grandpa telling me last summer he was worried I was doing too much too fast. I can see why he said that now. On the 14th I just sat out on my ront porch for who knows how long and cried. That was the night 3 years ago Mike had to make his final trip to the hospital. And then I get to think about yesterday it was the 16th, that was the day Dr Hawley told me after class Mike had 2 wks to 2 months. The nI get to think about the 18th that was the day at the hospital I decided to make it just time after our "friends" came to say their good byes it was enough anf now just time for us, the clos family, then her comes next Tuesday October 20th. It'll be three years since the day Mike passed away, three years have passed and I have done soooooo much! I've met another man, had another baby, am trying hard to finish school, and no where in that time have I sat and tried to say "Ann you need time too". Three years and I think it's about time for me to do just that, but when, how, and with who?

I think when I finish school I want to move by my sister! She's very level headed and can help me think of rational things to do. I love it here I just at times don't feel like I belong. Other then Columbus where my sister lives I think about Texas. I would love to work at MD Anderson and help people with Cancer! Or John Hopkins? I don't know I suppose GOD will send me some sort of sign? When, I'm not too sure.

I probably sounde half nuts saying half of the things I've said but I have so much bottled up and I don't know how to talk to Andy, Debbie, Tom, Sara, or some of my friends. It's hard to talk to people who have enough to worry about. Sometimes you feel like you are going to fill their lives with drama they don't need or there are times you don't want to talk to people because they will see things not very similar to how you see them. I mean I've never lost a child so it'd be hard to talk to a parent who has lost a child they carried for 9 months and raised into a wonderful young man and father, its hard to talk to a sister who herself hasn't been married or had a child with someone they planned on spending the rest of their life with; they were the sibling who grew up and shared many wonderful times and memories before you were in the picture, it's hard to talk to someone you're in a relationship with about a previous relationship that you addored so much to the point you know if the circumstances never occured the two of you would've never happened. It's just hard to find people you can talk to and say,"you knw what I mean?"

Even though I have my bad moments I still have my Great ones too! I love watching Tyler adn Gradin play! They adore each other and Tyler is so much into Mario right now its not even funny! I mean that too its not sometimes! LOL! Gradin loves all kinds of balls no matter what size or color! Gradin is starting the terrible 2's early and runs me rampid sometimes! But I wouldn't give them up for anything! After I get done with next year at school I really would like to take them on a vacation to maybe Disney? I need to get away with just me and them! It'd be fun and a time to make memories! I really beleive that memories help you deal sometimes! But I'm just one person!

I think I've written enough for right now! I'm going to go and clean the boys bathrooms while Tyler is going to watch Where the Wild things Are and Gradin is sleeping! I need to take a break from homework adn just do that! It needs to be done adn what better time! I'll try to write sooner this time then later!
All my love!
Ann Hauenstein
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