livstrong (livstrong) wrote,

  • Mood:

Upset? Confused? I just don't get it.....

I suppose you could say by the subject heading I may be confused, upset, or possibly just don't get it. I totally understand being and adult is growing up and dealing wh=ith everything life has to throw your way. I just don't understand why sometimes, well honestly the majority o the time these days I am just not happy. I mean I have two beautiful children that are your typical 5 and 1 year olds. They are all over the place and yes that can run you sanity rampid at times, but I love them and adore them. It's just so hard to have different veiws on raising kids and the actions, well activites you include you and them in. I know I am extremly busy and tired with everything going on, it just seems I would have someone willing to help me you know? I feel so alone sometimes!!!!!!! I don't like that feeling. I guess sometimes I feel like I can be overwhemling for people to deal with due to my hectic schedule, my diabetes at times, and what I just expect. I talk to Debbie about how I feel since she is honestly like my mom. It's just a great feeling to know I have them in my life and honestly always will! I look up to and admire them in so many ways! It's not all the time you actually see families stay so close and know what seems to be "everthing" about each other! Sara, Tom, and Debbie as well as the rest of the family all seem so close, together, and there for each other no matter what is going on! When you ask questions about the past, if Debbie doesn't know which she usually does then Tom or Sara remember what you are talking about! That's the family life I want! I want to know someone is there for me no matter what is going on. I don't mean to sound unhappy, because I mean I'm having my good times but like any relationship out there they have ups followed by downs. I just want to feel important and know where I stand, that's not too much to ask for.

Last night I was cleaning out one of the storage areas in the basement and found notes, cards, and pictures from 1999-2001! I found notes from Mike that I thought I lost! It just put a smile on my face. I remember all the silly things we used to do for each other! And in every one of them he would tell me how beautiful I was, how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. How could you not smile! Those are some of the nicest things someone so close to you could say, express, or let you know! Life was simple then I suppose. We weren't married, didn't have Tyler, The cancer wasn't even thought or Dx yet, and I wasn't a 25-year old planning her husbands funeral in 2006. Life goes by so fast! Some people have no clue what is important and how to exoress to the people in their life how important they are to each other!

I want ot raise my boys with heart, compassion, and the ability to express how they are feeling in a situation. I want them to have the best in regards to education, life satisfaction, and family well being. One of my friends Jill told me that as soon as I get done with school our personal relationship will be easier to handle since I won't be as stressed out. I told him that last night at dinner and he's response was, "we'll see." I just want to hear something that makes me feel important. I miss that. I know I can't compare two people especially two very different people, I just want to be a priority.

But I still can't express enough Things are good, I'm just stressed and at times depressed just thinking about how I want my life to be? Only the future with GOD in it can tell us what is going to happen you know.

On a GREAT note however! The semester is almost over in school and I may be on the DEANs list for the first time! I'm hope so! That would put the jelly on the toast so to say you know?!!!!!? I was thinking maybe I'll get my MSN and then I'll know for sure I can give my kids everything they need! I think my long term goal with work is to work with Oncology with Children, they are so precious and innocent. I think I would be able to talk to their familes, not have ever been a mother, but a wife of a cancer patient. I was talking to one of Andy's uncles who was Dx with Stage IV Lung Ca. He's doing well right now the "govm't just won't allow him Medicare so it could help cover his medical tx. I remember Mike being approved within the first 2 months. He told me they don't approve someone until they have had the condition for 18-months. It makes no since to me how one terminal person can get it while another can't. I don't know all the details of what he and his family are dealing with, I just know what we dealt with. Life is aweful at itmes. But then again it all is what you make of it. Love you family! Trust in GOD! and express you feelings because one day you may never get to say it again! Write a journal like this! Make a song about what your dealing with! When it's all said and done, someone will find it, read it, and it can tell a story about your life's story, like the Casting Crowns song, Life song!

I want to end this by saying I hope everyone had a blessed and wonderful Thanksgiving!

P.S. Mary S if you read this, I just found the first Christmas card you ever sent us! Thank you! Hope all is well in Mass.

Ann Hauenstein

  • 5 years

    I cannot believe it has been five years. I still seems like yesterday. I still want to talk with Mike, share stories about Tyler, see Mike become the…

  • Website up and running

    Hi everyone I don't know why, but Mike's website is up and running again! We just finished the 5th Annual Mike Hauenstein Memorial Golf Scramble on…

  • Wow time sure has flown by.....

    Today I woke up with, what I suppose you could call a lump in my throat. For what ever the reason may be the more time goes by, the more I seem to…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.