I have literally been trying to log into Mike's blog for months, just ask Debbie! First off I want to say life has been sooooooooo hectic and full of "life" these days! Tyler started school and in all the screenings they do on the kids in kindergarten! He scored Above Average on everything, with the exception of rhyming.....? Okay I'm pretty sure that's not going to affect his ability to get into college? LOL!!! Tyler is going through the process of getting an IEP for school due to him having ADHD among afew other things. Over all though he is such a GREAT kid! He acts so much like Mike! I love it! At the same time its hard, I'll find myself walking away and crying. I miss him so badly! He was always there for me when I needed him! He would always talk to me and tell me things were going to be alright! I miss that so much! It's always a GREAT and warming feeling to know you have someone in your life that loves you so much no matter what kind of stupid decision you make! I miss that! I was showing a girl in one of my classes a picture of Mike on my myspace of when we got married 8/10/2002. She wasn't aware I was a widow, since I don't think its one of those things many people my age will talk about you know...She asked why I had a wedding picture of him on there. I told her about what happened and she was in aw. Then she asked to see the picture again since I don't think she got to look at it or something. She then said, he really loved you didn't he? I asked her why. She told me you could see it in his eyes. Then that old stomach crunching feeling came back and I just sat there....Mike loved me so much and would always worry about me! It was a nice feeling sicne he was the first man I'd ever been with that atually felt and shared feelings about me like I shared about him. GOD only knows how much I miss that part of my life! It's just a feeling of over whelming compassion, love, and togetherness in a way. I can see those same things in Tyler! I love that! He's always worried about his little brother with the exceptions of when he takes is toys or its a time he's not in a sharing mood, but then again he's 5 adn still very much "my baby".
I'm taking full time classes at Miami right now. It's alot and I truely can't see how single parents do it without help! I work part time and the bills are hard to pay, but I'm able to get by. I have exactly 5 more semesters left and I'll have my BSN and really want to move after that. I just don't want to be here any more. After I lost Mike I lost a lot of things, friends and such, but I kinda exected that. People grow and change and there lives don't revolve around you. I just miss people calling and it's not too often they do anymore. I'm okay with that though I'm here for my family I just feel broken and have for some time. Maybe it's time for therapy? Maybe it's time to slow down. I remember Ed, Mike's grandpa telling me last summer he was worried I was doing too much too fast. I can see why he said that now. On the 14th I just sat out on my ront porch for who knows how long and cried. That was the night 3 years ago Mike had to make his final trip to the hospital. And then I get to think about yesterday it was the 16th, that was the day Dr Hawley told me after class Mike had 2 wks to 2 months. The nI get to think about the 18th that was the day at the hospital I decided to make it just time after our "friends" came to say their good byes it was enough anf now just time for us, the clos family, then her comes next Tuesday October 20th. It'll be three years since the day Mike passed away, three years have passed and I have done soooooo much! I've met another man, had another baby, am trying hard to finish school, and no where in that time have I sat and tried to say "Ann you need time too". Three years and I think it's about time for me to do just that, but when, how, and with who?
I think when I finish school I want to move by my sister! She's very level headed and can help me think of rational things to do. I love it here I just at times don't feel like I belong. Other then Columbus where my sister lives I think about Texas. I would love to work at MD Anderson and help people with Cancer! Or John Hopkins? I don't know I suppose GOD will send me some sort of sign? When, I'm not too sure.
I probably sounde half nuts saying half of the things I've said but I have so much bottled up and I don't know how to talk to Andy, Debbie, Tom, Sara, or some of my friends. It's hard to talk to people who have enough to worry about. Sometimes you feel like you are going to fill their lives with drama they don't need or there are times you don't want to talk to people because they will see things not very similar to how you see them. I mean I've never lost a child so it'd be hard to talk to a parent who has lost a child they carried for 9 months and raised into a wonderful young man and father, its hard to talk to a sister who herself hasn't been married or had a child with someone they planned on spending the rest of their life with; they were the sibling who grew up and shared many wonderful times and memories before you were in the picture, it's hard to talk to someone you're in a relationship with about a previous relationship that you addored so much to the point you know if the circumstances never occured the two of you would've never happened. It's just hard to find people you can talk to and say,"you knw what I mean?"
Even though I have my bad moments I still have my Great ones too! I love watching Tyler adn Gradin play! They adore each other and Tyler is so much into Mario right now its not even funny! I mean that too its not sometimes! LOL! Gradin loves all kinds of balls no matter what size or color! Gradin is starting the terrible 2's early and runs me rampid sometimes! But I wouldn't give them up for anything! After I get done with next year at school I really would like to take them on a vacation to maybe Disney? I need to get away with just me and them! It'd be fun and a time to make memories! I really beleive that memories help you deal sometimes! But I'm just one person!
I think I've written enough for right now! I'm going to go and clean the boys bathrooms while Tyler is going to watch Where the Wild things Are and Gradin is sleeping! I need to take a break from homework adn just do that! It needs to be done adn what better time! I'll try to write sooner this time then later!
All my love!
Wow I can't beleive he would be 30! Either that means he would be getting old or I'm just really feeling old! Some times I think about things and just wonder for what seems like forever why things happened and at the end no matter how mad or upset or even undesisive I was when I started thinking about whatever it was I still end up with the same conclusion...happy, content, and just knowing things happen for whatever reason it was that GOD thought it should happen that way.
Mike was more then an amazing father, friend, companion, son, brother, grandson, and the list goes on! We had so many good times and the stupid things we'd do or the things one of us would say! If half of you only knew!
Mike was a compassionate person who loved everyone and he always had hope for those who lacked that in themselves! He was always there ready for whatever was next! I miss that! Last night I was crying just because I wanted to talk to him and it's times like that I get upset. But I can't change what has happened.
I wonder what kind of birthday parties GOD has for you? If it were up to Mike he'd have Frishes Big Boys dry with ketchup or a pizza from just about anywhere with a Dr Pepper or glass of milk or water! He liked Dr Pepper better then coke and rightly so! It just taste better!
Tyler is doing great! Other then being dx with ADHD and is hyper as all get out his still me lil man! He's learning about the letter O in school this week! He was telling me that in just 3 weeks he gets to learn about the letter P and have a PJ party and can't wait! He's so smart just like any man though he wants what ever is on his mind at that time! HAHAHAHA!!! I still can't belevie he's 5! He tells me all the time he'll be 5 1/2 and he'll be in Kindergarten then! I asked him if he wants a summer party since thats what people are saying he should have and rightly so in his defence it wasn't his fault he was born on Christmas! But he wants a birthday close to his birthday becuase he wants more toys at the same time! I mean he's smart! He is a man who knows what he wants! I'm so blessed to have a man like him! I love my baby! And that's what he'll always be! Everytime I cut his toe nails and fingernails it's strange, but I feel like I'm holding Mike's hand! They look identical! And Tyler even talks like him. By that those of you who knew him knew how at times he woulod talk lower and make the puppy dog face to get things and sure enough Ty does it too! Strange how two people can be so much alike! Mike would be so proud of him!
As for me, I'm still one of the most busy people I've met! My family is all the same, I have a beautiful new lil guy, Gradin and a boyfriend Mike would approve of! He's great with the boys and has a great family I love dearly just like Mike's mom, dad, and sister! I's strange how things can happen and seem like a curse but at the same time be a blessing undercover you know? I'm so thankful to still talk to some of the folks Mike and I were friends with! Chris and Chas had another beautiful baby boy, Michael. Chris and Desiree are abot to have their forst in May! I run into Mike and Allison every once in a blue moon they now have another baby who really is a toddler at two!
I hope for a beautful day and am looking forward to our cake later today! This year maybe we'll have cupcakes!
III!!!!!!!!! Still Loving you and knowing you're better Mr Jefferson!!! Keep watching over me and since you were the brain in this pair please ask GOD to give me the insight I need for my CHM class, PLEASE!!!!
Today, April 2, would have been Mike's 30th birthday. I keep thinking about all the fun we could have had teasing him that he is now "over the hill". I guess in a way he is "way over the hill" - he is in heaven. I am thankful that he is painfree and with God, but I still miss him very much. I think of him every day, of course, but holidays and birthdays always make it harder.
The forecast is for good weather and I am going to continue my tradition of working in his memory garden on his birthday, cleaning up all the leaves and twigs, and bringing out the statues and rocks. I was in the garden today and so much is starting to come up again - in the spring life is renewed.
Tyler is doing fine - sporting a black eye from a collision with a table at day care. He is taking tai kwon do and is doing ok, hard for him to listen for an hour! He is so smart - last week at my nephew Andrew's birthday party he was eating chocolate ice cream cake and said "this is the best energetic junk food I've ever had!".
Sara has adopted a cute little dog named Charlene, looks a lot like our old dog Lucky, just smaller. She is still considering a move to Florida - does not like the cold at all!
The 3rd annual Mike Hauenstein Memorial Golf Scramble will be held Sunday, May 2. We are looking for teams and sponsors. Call or email me for for details. (360-3273 or email@example.com)
Also, from april 26 through May 2 anyone eating at the RiverBank Cafe in Hamilton who mentions the golf outing will get 20% of their bill donated to the golf outing! Thank you Dennis & Robin!
Tom's band, WaterStreet will be at the RiverBank on May 2, so we have a ready-made audience for those donations! Also, WaterStreet will be at Bridgewater Falls on April 25 from 6-8 for a cancer society fundraiser.
Ann is continuing her schooling to get her RN/BSN. She is still at Christ Hospital also. She never sits still!
Life moves on - it was over 5 years ago that Mike was diagnosed, December 2003. It seems like yesterday, and it seems like forever. It is hard to believe that he has been gone 2 1/2 years. I am grateful that I get to see his friends who are helping with the golf outing, and just the other day I ran into some other friends of Mike's, Chris & Desiree, who are expecting a baby girl!
Again, happy 30th birthday, Mike. I hope you get to have all the cake and ice cream you want up there in heaven!
Happy New Year, everyone.
The holidays are over and lately I've been thinking about Mike and how strong of a person he was. Even though he was in pain, he didn't give up. I know he kept a lot from us, his loved ones, and tried to make the most of his life. He was there to support Ann as she earned her LPN, he was there for Tyler, playing with him as best he could, taking him to air shows, and even a trip to Disney World in spring 06, even though he was in so much pain. He made the most of his days, going to family events and participating as much as he could.
He didn't complain too much, although I know emotionally he was having a very hard time. I don't think he was afraid of dying as much as he was leaving his family. I know he has earned his place in heaven and is at peace.
There are days I don't want to go to work, afraid of what I will hear or see will remind me so much of what Mike went through. I know he would want me to help others, to share what I can of my experience to help them through theirs. There have been many incidents where I feel I have been led to a certain person or family, just to help guide them. I know then that Mike is smiling down on me, saying "you can do this, Mom".
So, in 2009, live life to the fullest - live, laugh, love. I know that is what Mike would want for all of us.
Merry 3rd Christmas in Heaven, Mike.
We still miss you everyday, but especially at the holidays.
Tyler's 5th birthday is today, he is getting so big. He looks and
acts so much like you did at this age. He is so smart and will be starting kindergarten
We took him to the zoo and he was "spooked" when the talking animals knew his name! He took off out of there so fast.
He came to our house the other day and saw the presents under the tree He stood there for about 5 minutes and finally asked "Grandma, are any of these for me?". Of course there were plenty for him, and his baby brother too.
Sara said she had a dream about you last night, as I did the night before. You are still very much a part of, us in our hearts, and our memories. Watch over us.
I can't believe it has been two years. It still seems like only yesterday. So much has happened - Tyler will be 5 this year! September was not a good month with Tom's dad (Mike's grandfather) passing on Sept. 5, followed by our neighbor and then my aunt. We went on a vacation the end of September, but came back to same old, same old. Last week we learned of another tragedy that hit pretty close to home.
None of this compares to losing Mike. I wish he could see Tyler, he would be so proud. He acts so much like his daddy - kind of on the wild side for an almost 5 year old, but he is a boy, and they want to run, explore, and try everything.
Tom & I spent Monday, the anniversary of Mike's death, cleaning his garden and putting away the stoneware, etc. Tyler was here and he and his friend, Jack, were playing in the yard. I gave them a juice box and they were sitting on the bench when all of a sudden Tyler said, "Jack, sometimes people just have to go to heaven". He is starting to ask questions, wanting to know when his daddy will come back from heaven.
Sara has moved into her own apartment and seems to like it. Her roommate, Stephanie, is also a horse lover so they get along great.
Life moves on, Ann is going to school and working at Christ. She and Andy have a beautiful baby boy, Gradin, and Tyler loves is little brother. Of course, Gradin laughs out loud every time he sees Tyler.
My nephews and sister put two balloons at the cemetery for Mike, my mom & dad have placed new flowers, and Tom, Sara and I took an angel. Ann & Tyler had placed two small pumpkins out there, but something took the smaller one and ate half the bigger one!
Mike's garden is sleeping for the winter, but I look forward to next spring when everything will be in bloom again. For now, we can see the squirrels and chipmunks playing.
I have so many wonderful friends and families who still think of us and still send cards, or just call to let us know that they care. We appreciate this more than you will ever know. Mike is gone, but we don't want him to be forgotten, so anytime someone mentions him or tells us they are thinking of us, we are so grateful.
We will continue to honor Mike by holding events in his name for organizations he had interest in. The 3rd Annual Mike Hauenstein Golf Outing will be held May 3, 2009 at Fairfield Greens. Please save the date - even if you don't golf, you can join us for a cookout and raffle.
Thanks for thinking of us,
Missing you walk by me with you cain or stroll by on your walker,
Missing your talks,
Missing your thoughts,
Missing your company,
Sometimes I wonder why a person can think about someone not here, the reson is you were my best friend and were supposed to be here until the very end,
I wonder why things happen the way they do,
It all intierly makes me a stronger person all because of you!
I'm starting to find myself and discover new things,
I still get upset and yell at the little things, damn when will I get that shit straight?
I moved on in several ways not too many will ever agree, but I know what you wanted best in your heart for me!
I miss you like crazy, I miss you like hell!
I still wish I had my best frined around to joke with a worry about him as well.
Instead GOD sent you a message to go up above,
He let you give me a second chance at finding love!
Thank you for your offers and all the little things I know you still do!
Thank you for being so compassionate and still watching down!
My sugars are much better!
My kidneys are still the same,
My heart however still misses you; but I love you all the same!
Even though I have moved on withthat part of my life you see; I still have a huge heart to share!
Andy makes me feel like a complete instead of empty and crying with dispare.
I love the things you shared with me, and everything you taught me to do!
I appreciate everything you did for our son! And now he wants to know,
He wants to know why GOD doesn't share, why he can't talk to you;
He wants to know so many things, and you know what I tell him everything that I know!
I tell him GOD needs you more up there and one day he'll see your face! He wants to know if itll be next week, and with a broken heart I fined a way to tell him no,
Tylr will be a man like you, with a heart so full of GOLD!
He'll make a special husband to a fine young lady and help her find her soul!
Everyone should expereince what I did, not in these exact terms; but to know what is important and be able to spread my wings and sore,
Sore in ways to explore what GOD has laid down my path, figure out life journey , and not let a moment try to hold me down.
I miss you and at the same time thank you for everything you gave me to grow!
So many things have been happening since the last time I posted on here. I can't believe it's already October!!! I get happy and then things just seem to happen and make me think about the past? That's part of life though. I'm in school and am waiting to see if I got accepted into the RN program at Miami. Please pray! I want this soooooooo badly! I have been working and going to school so what's new with my life not too much except Gradin teething, growing, and getting big! Tyler is getting sooooo big too, and that includes his little mouth! LOL!!! He's so hyper sometimes! He's so smart and can argue with you like an adult and I'll just not know what to say to him at times! :). I love my kids though! Me personally. I'm happy but at times I feel broken and I can't really explain it but I just don't feel complete and that's bad to say at times. I'm okay though I know it's part of healing and getting through things. Andy is very supportive, it's just hard to talk. Not so much to him, I just don't talk about my feelings to much of anyone, never really have though so nothings different with that. Debbie and Tom are on vacation, they really deserve it! Email Tom's dad, Mike's grandpa passed away at the start of September and then afew days later Brian, the other guy in Ohio that had Mike's cancer passed away after winning his battle! When I saw him I snapped inside. He looked like Mike and it was like I was there all over again! I surely don't want to go to another funeral anytime soon. It was good going there though. I got to meet Brians wife, mom, dad, and brother. I had heard so much about these people and finally got the chance to met them in person. I just felt bad since I was suppoesed to go up the week before he passed but I was sick and didn't want to get him sick since he was already dealing with his low counts and all. Well I really need to get back to my paper so I'm gonna get going. I'll write again later!
Today was so far a GREAT DAY!!!!! Tyler, Gradin, and I went to Newport Aqaurium and had a great time! Tyler runs through it every time we go and honestly couldn't tell you a thing about the place, but that's okay! We had fun! Gradin smiled at the fish and coooed at everything Ty and I showed him! Afterwards its a ritual to go into Coldstone and get smoothies or milkshakes. Tyler likes to ask for chocalate/ vanilla mixed together milkshakes! So today he got a white chocalate milkshake!
So far I think I'm doing a GREAT job with Tyler and with Andy, who isn't his real dad, he honestly is doing a GREAT job as the person who is his dad. Mike would be happy he has someone like that to show him things and share things with him. No one understands except me what it's like to be in my situation except people who have lost their spouse and try to continue raiseing their child/ children the best they can....and by george I think we are doing a FABULOUS job!
I think about stuff all the time and at times I cry and at times I'm so happy it seems ridiculous! But all in all I wouldn't change my life at all. I've been living and that's what Mike would've want me and everyone else to do. On the other hand it's hard for me to fathum what Debbie, Tom, and Sara have experienced as a mother, father, and sister? I can't put myself in their shoes and honeslty wouldn't want them to have gone through what I went through and at times still am you know????
I still cherish every memory I have and talk to Debbie about some of the things she never knew. I want to tell her mor, but sometimes things are better never shared and kept as a memory for that person!There will be things I share with my family or friends, but then there will be things I do talk about and those will be things people should know...
With this said, I want everone to know I am happy and love my life today, as much as I loved my life then and still do cherish the things I dealt.
Wishing more happy days to come! And as I will cherish every minute I have now! I start school again in August and in two years I'll have my RN and will work with eith kids or cancer patients! I can't wait!
Yesterday was Father's Day, and, for me, I think it was worse than Mother's Day. I just kept thinking about how proud Mike would be to see Tyler. How sad it is that Tyler can't see his daddy. He is such a smart little guy, I asked him if he wanted to send a balloon to his daddy in heaven and he said, "no, our deal is to take flowers to his garden". He reminds me so much of Mike - he is very smart, very sensitive, but a such a boy - he can never sit still. He likes to swing, ride his bike, play cars, and is obsessed with a video game (just like his dad was) - Wii's Mariokart or Mario or Galaxy! He has now recorded in Tom's recording studio - not shy about singing.
I know Mike is in a better place and pain free, and though my mind tells me one thing, my heart is telling me something else - that I miss him very much.
Happy Father's Day, Mike. I know you are proud of your son.